Christmas Relationships

From the number of magazine articles and talk shows highlighting all the do’s and don’ts on how to survive the festive season, how to deal with in-laws, kids, animals, aged aunts, et al, I am amazed that people even put themselves through “all this” once a year…..

But it did get me thinking and I have cast my mind back to the annual festivities when I was a child/young person. I have a large extended family and we would go to my Aunt Dorry’s farm that was situated almost half between Kwe Kwe and Gweru in Zimbabwe. Because it was about a 4 hour drive from Harare and about the same from Bulawayo, we used to set off days in advance of Christmas day and only leave days after…it was after all, a long way to travel. And here’s the thing: We all descended on Amatava and out amazing Aunt Dorry – and I seem to remember there were lots of us - and somehow it all worked. Dormitories were set up comprising mattresses, stretchers and anything else one could sleep on, little kids topped and toed and the best thing was you got to sleep near your favourite person. 3 meals a day were miraculously produced, there were drinks on the lawn before lunch and evenings spent (for me) listening to the family stories, playing carpet bowls and watching the adults. There was always a lot of kissing and hugging and patting on the back……and there was a lot of laughter and silly tricks. And there were a few arguments, fights call them what you will….usually about a difference of opinion over politics or religion or whatever and then a big kissing and hugging and making up again – either before bed or first thing the next morning. My mother always said (of this, my father’s family that I am talking about) she found it amazing how the next day, if there had been a disagreement, it was like nothing at all had happened.

I am not sure how rose tinted my specs are/were but I cant recall people not speaking to each, family feuds or long term grudges being played out. I also remember that us kids were all treated the same way…we never felt that one was ‘the favourite” or getting more pressies or loves. We, or at least I, always felt quite special.

So what have I taken away with me, what do I remember about how the family (and others) all came together and had a great deal of fun…and let me tell that this was the place everyone wanted to be at Christmas time….. even the various ex-spouses and their new families.

I guess some of the lessons learnt (and only understood as an older adult) are:

You don’t always have to win the argument/discussion/fight or have the last word.

It’s a time for telling stories about your successes, failures and anything else that might have happened during the year….so let whoever is telling ramble on and enjoy.

And last but not least…. I like these 2 little stories and I remind myself of them (frequently!):

The first is the good old biblical one of “do unto others….” Which is very powerful and self explanatory.

And the second is about the 2 Buddhist monks walking down the road….one young and handsome and one old and bitter. They get to a river which has burst its banks and there is a beautiful young woman trying to get across. The young monk picks her up and carries her to the other side. The old monk crosses as well and the 2 monks carry on their journey. Eventually the old monk berates the young one, asking him how he could have carried the young woman across; he should not have touched her etc etc. The young monk looks at him and says “Hey Dude, I left her on the bank of the river but you are still carrying her…” Cool lesson don’t you think?

I am now going to steal and share my friend Hazel’s Christmas message which I think says it a lot better than I can:

I hope that your Christmas will be filled with an abundance of love, sharing and giving. As Christmas is also the link between old years and a new one about to dawn, my wish for you is that you are able to look back in happiness and forward in hope, knowing that there will be many new wonderful and happy times awaiting you in 2011. Thank you Hazel

Life Rules

Way back in June 2009 I wrote about the ROI on Relationships and said something along the lines of:

“If one person in the relationship doesn’t care and believes less in it; the person doesn’t make enough time or gives enough attention or respect then that relationship probably won’t last long….. The strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when both parties invest equally.”

And now I am going to add a bit more to that statement:.....” and that the strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when you have defined how you want to live your life and you mindfully live it.”

I love this quote from Henry David Thoreau's Walden :

“We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

This is being mindful…..

To have a mindful relationship you must consciously work at it – all the time. All too often we leap into marriage or other partnerships without having first laid down our life rules. The rules and values on how we want to live our lives in a meaningful way. Like Thoreau says: “We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

So what are some of these rules? They could look something like this:

I will create an environment that is loving and kind and polite

I will create an environment that is creative and constructive

I will create an environment that encourages growth and learning

I will create an environment that makes people feel special

I will create an environment where the opinions of others are respected and listened to.

And so on… and if this looks like a list of warm and fuzzies just think what your relationships are like if you don’t have these things in place.

To finish off, this is a quote from business guru Tom Peters:

"It's always 'the people.'" It may be glib, but in this instance I don't care. Network, keep your promises, and behave decently. You are as good as your relationships. Period. Short term. Long term. Good times. Tough times. This is the time (though all times are, in fact, the time) to "over" invest in relationship building and maintenance."

How we see others

My daughter Lisa is in Abu Dhabi at the moment - they start a 6 day adventure race tomorrow morning (go to www.ar.co.za for race info and links to the tracking site).

Lisa is a prolific writer; where she gets the time from to do many pre-race, during race and post race reports is a bit of a mystery. But report she does and her posting today is quite funny and I wanted to share this with you.

She has posted quite a few photos of herself, with her team and other people. I know that I always have this idea in my mind that Lisa is a really big and strong (and fearless) girl. But when I see her in photos, she is usually amongst the smallest of the girls and much, much smaller than the boys....she is really quite tiny.................hmmm funny isn't it?

Practical approach to new challenges:

The race starts tomorrow; this is the fast and furious warm up leg, with a shortish paddle in funny looking inflatable canoes; then a fast run and another paddle to wherever. Lisa says that paddling the canoes will be a bit like paddling a jumping castle....

And her strategy for this leg of the race: "to just go like hell". Sometimes this is the very best thing to do.....

Relationships 101

When I announced that I would be writing about “relationships” in December I had a couple of emails saying things like whoopee and wow; and one email from a good friend which said: “what the heck do you know about relationships, you aren’t even married”.

Well, firstly: there are lots of different types of relationships out there other than a married relationship. But I guess in a way, he has a point. Marriage is one of the most important, life time commitments/relationships you will ever have – and this relationship has an enormous effect on your happiness. I was married once – a long time ago - for a very short time; and I often make a little joke that goes along the lines of having had an unsuccessful marriage but that I have had a very successful divorce.

Secondly: was I miffed about my friends comment? Not really. Having been successfully single for about 96% of my life, I am used to comments like this. We (the human race), like it or not, like people to be married or at least in a long term relationship – it fits the norm. At least now in my near dotage, I don’t have to put up with people asking me why I’m not married…does the human race actually know what a grim question this is? Do they actually except you to “fess up” to some major personality defect, sexual aberration or other deviant behaviour? Just joking….but what the heck are you supposed to answer when someone asks you this? (Note to everyone: I see youngsters cringe and die a thousand deaths when adults ask them why they haven’t got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?....don’t do this, please)

But just to clear the air and speculation, I will share this with you: I have viewed another marriage with a very cautious eye. The few offers I have had over the years have either not been at the right time in my life (ie. I was so broke I would end up at month end with R2.37, I was struggling to build a career, get some sort of life and stability etc etc), or, he was not the right long term marriage partner – which one really only finds out about after the flush of new love fades a bit and these had me very quickly bolting for the hills…never to be seen again for dust. Seriously though – I have had strong reasons for not taking the plunge; primarily that I didn’t just want someone just to pick up the bills and even more importantly, I had a child. If the potential marriage partner wasn’t going to treat her as the special person she is, then I wasn’t going there. I needed someone like my brother who has been a fab step father to his kids – I needed someone to love me and my child and be very happy with the entire package (including the pet).

My brother had to contend with a particularly grim step mother who fortunately didn’t last too long and I had to put up with a really awful nasty, viscous step father (actually my mother’s long term partner of about 45 years or so). He died a little while ago and when I phoned my aunt and uncle to pass on the news, the first thing my aunt said was “well, thank goodness for that..” I guess that says it all. His funeral service was on my birthday and we all joked that he had done it on purpose….he really was a miserable sod. So, I have always felt that I needed to be extra careful about inflicting a step father on my daughter….even in her adulthood. And should I get over this little personality quirk? Sure I should…there are heaps and heaps of perfectly lovely, kind people (men) out there and I am blessed that I have met lots and lots and lots of them – I just haven’t wanted to marry any of them *grin*.

So whilst I may not have been married for long, I think / know I can talk about relationships….any kind, any type, any place and any time. Relationships are the things that make our world go round; they make us happier that we could ever have imagined and they also make us the saddest.

Love and happiness to you all

What are you doing now?

With the 1st of January just around the corner I thought I would copy Lisa's blog here because it has made me think - and think about those resolutions (yes, I do make them). Sometimes just the smallest changes, or even just doing new things makes a huge difference .... read this and let me know how you feel!

FROM: LISA'S BLOG http://adventurelisa.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-are-you-doing-now.html 19 November 2010

What are you doing now?

Last night I was watching a YouTube clip with a friend about a guy who suffered major injury and then decided to undertake a physical challenge for a cause. He could barely walk and he completed the distance in a time exponentially greater than you or I would do it in.

While I think it is great that he has these goals and he's on a mission, I'm not completely moved. There are many other examples just like this one.

Why? Well, the questions I asked my friend was, "Why does it take tragedy or a near-death experience for people to live?" and "What did he do before the accident?".

About a year ago at my local blood donor clinic the sister told me that 89% of regular blood donors only start donating after they have received blood (operation, accident, illness). I don't see much difference between this and people waking up (figuratively) after a car accident and deciding to run a marathon, when they would have impatiently waited for a parking space closest to the mall entrance pre-accident.

Friends, wake up now. Don't wait for some life-changing incident to remind you how precious it is to be here and now. Love with abandon, strive to have job you enjoy, live where you're happiest (and with whom you're happiest), participate in any event or activity that catches your fancy and stop saving those words for another day.

Some, like the injured guy in the clip, get a second chance to do what they should have done during their 'first life'. Others don't.

Back on Line

Yikes…I got such a fright when the orange light came on my modem when I switched it on just now.….nearly fell off my seat. I have been without an internet connection and home phone for nearly 4 weeks now…….my phone is also working but it seems that I have someone else’s number and I keep getting calls for someone else…despite telling the people that there is a crossed line and we haven’t been connected up properly, they keep trying and trying and trying…

But first things first…this just a quick blog to say hello…..and I will be back to blogging very soon; well, assuming the phone lines hold up (they were stolen by the way).

And a bit of sad new….do you remember the beaded sheep I wrote about. Well, they have been stolen as well.

Gaiters: yes them again. I have been sewing gaiters like crazy – this time they are desert gaiters especially for the long race in Abu Dhabi that Lisa is off to early next month. There will be 3 teams from South Africa (they all have my gaiters) and a team from the UK will also be wearing them. I will be watching Lisa and her team via Google Earth and the satellite tracking goodies they carry with them. It is quite exciting.

Bassline is throbbing at the moment……so much going on including a whopping great Rasta/Ragga festival tomorrow night and 2 overseas bands – one on Friday and one on Sunday (Feeder for those who are interested). It is such fun… and a really special event is Tu Nokwe’s show on the 10^th Dec.

I decided as well, that my happiness blog theme for December will be on relationships…. Hope you enjoy them.

Love and Happiness

Liz

OCTOBER SNIPPETS

The Beaded Sheep:

Every morning I drive past a small coffee shop on my way to work in Newtown – it is just round the corner from Bassline. Right in front of the shop is a large tree and they have some tables and chairs out on the pavement under this tree. They also have 3 life-sized beaded wire sheep; and every morning someone in the coffee shop arranges the sheep in different poses…one can be standing on a table, one with its front legs on the tree trunk (looks like it wants to climb the tree). One day, one was lying on its side with the other 2 looking on with great concern….. it is very funny and something to look forward to.

Good Books:

The first one I can recommend – in fact I encourage you to read it, is called Why Africa is Poor by Greg Mills. He writes really well and puts his point across succinctly and follows it up with data and graphs. There are parts in the book where I felt I should just go outside and slit my throat; but it is a thought provoking book. Greg draws comparisons with Asian, Central American and South American countries and African countries, all of which have been colonised and most of which have had devastating wars. And he comes to interesting conclusions about the countries that have successfully transitioned from colonial and military oppression. In one chapter he talks about the cost of doing business in Africa and uses Durban port as an example: In Singapore it takes 8 minutes to clear a container through customs: in SA it takes 32 days (BTW, we are the best on the continent). One thing this book doesn’t do is just lay all the problems down on paper – he spends quite a bit of time talking about solutions.

The second one is by Lionel Shriver, called So Much for That. (She also wrote We Need to Talk About Kevin). She is a stunning writer and her stories are gripping. She is dark and her characters are very real…you know these people! She is brave and says the stuff that many writers don’t dare….she take our clichés and trashes them.

TED Talks:

TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. I listen to and watch TED Talks on www.ted.com, usually late on a Sunday night; then kick myself when I stagger into bed in the early hours of the morning. It’s a bit addictive – heaps of categories and heaps of speakers including some very funny comedy slots….I love it! So when Lisa told me TED Talks was coming to Johannesburg I got really excited and rushed to get my ticket from their website. And then found out that you have to apply to be an “audience”….I was a bit thrown but completed the application process which also calls for references…..you have to describe yourself in less the 100 words and answer some other questions, also less than 100 words; your answers are then sent to your referees and they verify it….*grin* No room for exaggeration here! So, thank you to my referees – I have been approved and will be attending TED next Sunday – it is a marathon day from 9.30 to 18.30….I will be all TED Talked out! Go to http://www.tedxjohannesburg.co.za/ to check it out.

What's in a name:

Thank you for all the feedback about the name - I had some very good laughs......

It's all in the name....

A couple of months ago I went to the SA Pole Dancing Championships. One of the judges was from the USA; she is a champ pole and silk dancer and she gave a demo that knocked everyone’s socks off. She would put most gymnasts to shame I’m sure, and after watching her I know why there is talk that pole dancing be an Olympic sport….it is not all bump and grind! Her name is Janine Butterfly – that’s right. I am not sure if she made it up but it really suited her (she was like a butterfly) and I was really taken with her name.

Then I saw on facebook that my friend Richard is now friends with someone called Strelitzia Drinkwater….now I am not sure if this is a made up name but it also caught my fancy.

So I have been wracking my brains to think up an alternate name that I would be happy with – It’s not so easy to come up with something you would be really comfortable with….but I found it! A friend of mine has suddenly taken to calling me Lollipop – yes, Lollipop; and I quite like it…Then I had to think of a “surname”….and gazing at the glorious full, butter yellow moon the other night I found it…..

Henceforth I wish to be known as Lollipop Moonshine…..

I have a dream

On the 7^th October I went to an amazing event called FEAT (http://www.featsa.co.za/). Not only was it wonderful because it is the brainchild of my daughter Lisa, but because it provides a stage for South African adventurers to do a show and tell of what they do. Have a look at the website for the format and the amazing (that word again) array of speakers at this first FEAT event, and beautiful photos.

These men and women are awesome and their adventures leave one inspired; I was certainly hell bent on making my reservation first thing Friday morning with the local Everest club for a climb next year. (Lisa suggests I try Killie first *grin*).

The one common theme, though, that each and every adventurer talked about was the importance for them of following their dream and lets face it, they certainly do dream big - be it climbing the 7 summits or circumnavigating the earth…north / south under human power only: they just have to do it.

Old Dreams:

99% of us get on with marriage, children, 9 to 5 jobs and we tuck our dreams away somewhere and they nag and gnaw at us and we never quite get round to them. So what I suggest is: there is nothing is wrong with taking them out and dusting them off every so often…… Maybe, and here is a big maybe…perhaps the dream has passed its ‘sell by date’ and needs to be replaced with a new one. Maybe that old dream is holding us back from doing something spectacular. I know that there were lots of things that I would love to have done: ballet, singing, brilliant artist…. now I sing in the shower and dance in my garden…and sculpt and paint with a modicum of success. For many years I bemoaned the fact that I didn’t have the wherewithal to do these things. But had they really been my dream I would have done them….sold the house, the cat, etc etc. I would have moved heaven and earth to do them. Now I have a lot of fun doing these same things…in my own time, my own pace and I am very happy doing them without all the stress of fulfilling that dream. And I have replaced those dreams with other, new dreams….albeit not quite like climbing Everest (close though!). I have other things now that I want to achieve and do…and they are achievable and doable - for the time being.

I have replaced the some old dreams with new ones…have I given up? NO…not at all. I have changed as I have matured/grown up/gotten older – my needs and desires are different to what they were 20/10/5 years ago.

There comes a time when you need to discard the old, unfulfilled dreams. Don’t let these dusty old dreams hold you back – move on to new exciting things.

Supporting the Dreams:

I said to my friend Judy yesterday, imagine having this conversation:

Judy: My son has just become a CA/lawyer. What is your daughter doing now?

Me: Well my daughter has decided to be an adventurer. She is going to circumnavigate the world, north to south and back again, under human power only and it will take her about 8 – 10 years. She leaves next week.

I am sure there would be stunned silence – it sounds really funny/odd doesn’t it.

But my daughter is following her dream/s, she is an adventurer …and all those adventurers’ at the FEAT talk are following theirs. They are deadly serious about their dreams. This is how they run their lives and how they make their living.

In days gone by Stanley, Burton, Speke et al were the adventurers. They set off to discover new lands and a bit of fame and fortune. Today, the lands have all been found and there is not too much fame and fortune to be got out of adventuring. Today, they find new adventures like climbing the 7 summits and baling off the top of each one strapped to a paraglider - then they write the book, do the film and hope that they will get at least enough to fund the next adventure. They don’t just do it for the little bit of fame or fortune that might come their way….They do it because this is the way they have chosen/dreamt to live their lives. This is their passion and their life. (ditto for artists/musicians/dancers/writers etc)

Being an adventurer is really out of our mainstream norms and the prescribed schedule for how our lives should progress. It is sometimes a little difficult to understand and sure, every parent wants their children to be secure and comfortable and mainstream. But every so often we need to look at ourselves and our children and say “well, why the heck not”; and give all the support we can – help make that dream come true. Each and every one of the adventurers at FEAT says they couldn’t do it without the support from their family and friends. These adventurers are all amazing, mature, clever, nice, stable, serious, sincere, energetic, constructive and contributing members of society – they have just taken a different path.

Being bought off & Customer service

Being bought off

Apropos Lisa’s blog last week about the printer offering her discount (in lieu of fixing up the bad job he did) on her next print job, I had a similar situation on Saturday morning.

Once a month I trek to fabric places all over the place to stock up on materials and things for the gaiters. I sometimes go to a number of shops, especially if we have had a special order or if I am just looking for some new colours. In this place called Dubai Centre (on the very, very far east Rand) I found lovely orange fabric for gaiters and I know this is a winning colour – it’s very popular and also quite hard to get. So I grabbed the roll and when the lady was getting ready to cut I saw a mark that ran down the middle – it was about 12 cm wide at the widest part, tapering to about 1cm wide. So I said I didn’t want that piece and she must cut my fabric from a bit that didn’t have this mark….she reeled off about 4 metres of fabric until she got to a pristine section…she looked me in the eye and said if I took the stuff with the mark she would give me discount…. I said no thanks and she cut me piece from the nice clean stuff. Question: why on earth does she think that one would spend a lot of time making something that might just be unwearable because of the mark…

Great Customer Service

I went to Edgars to buy some new moisturiser. I usually buy Elizabeth Arden and while I was searching the self for the type I use, an assistant came over and asked if I needed help. I was going to say I needed a lot of help and particularly wanted something that would make me look 30 years younger in 7 days..with a money back guarantee.

But she didn’t really look like someone with a sense of humour so instead I asked for my particular type of product. Our conversation went like this:

Assistant: I can’t help you because I do Clarins.

Me: Ahh…so where is the Elizabeth Arden lady? (Thinking she might have nipped off to the loo)

Assistant: She’s on maternity leave.

Me: Ahh….and when will she be back?

Assistant: In about 3 months time.

Me: So do you think I should come back then?

Assistant: Yes please.

Me: exit store, go round the corner and burst into tears.

Are you on my team

This is printed here with Lisa's permission.

Blog written by: Lisa de Speville

Lisa's Blog

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Are you on my team? Posted: 30 Sep 2010 08:19 AM PDT I love a good story, especially one with a moral. As a child, I treasured my beautifully illustrated book of Aesop's Fables. I would happily read the stories again and again. Well-known tales include 'The tortoise and the hare', 'The boy who cried wolf', 'The crow and the pitcher' and dozens of others. Three months ago my mom was hired by a small company to sort out their bookkeeping and accounts after business partners - who had their hands (up to their friggin' shoulders) in the cookie jar - had created a financial nightmare. In response to my story about an incident related to FEAT, my mom told me a tale. Three others follow. The boss and the accountants In this story, my mom's boss' accountants contact him to say that he must pay R100k in tax to SARS. Ja, just like that. My mom asks them for the assessment where she finds various late-submission penalties, which were incurred because the accountants had not submitted in time, and other errors. She tells the accountants to submit a query to SARS and that the penalties are not for her bosses account, but for theirs - afterall, he pays them to handle this stuff for him. My mom then turns to her boss to explain the situation saying, "These people are not on your team". He employs these accountants to fulfill a much-needed task and he trusts them to look out for his best interests. None of us are experts, qualified or even interested in things we have to do - like tax returns and plumbing - and so we hire people to do these things for us. And, we expect them to take care of us and to do the best for us. Someone who is on your team looks out for you and they do their best for you too. The woman and the little pieces of paper Yesterday evening I went for a run, taking to the roads and hills of my suburb. The weather is perfect - not too hot, not too cool - and the trees are dressed in the freshest green. It is a wonderful time of year for evening runs. A woman, who had been sitting on a grassy verge, stands up just before I reach her. She picks up her backpack and I notice a number of little pieces of paper lying on the lawn. I stop and begin picking them up. "Are these yours?" I ask. "Yes," she says. "Well, they don't belong here. These belong in the rubbish bin, just like the rest of the litter lying around these streets." I gesticulate, pointing at a coke bottle, discarded packaging and other lumps of litter. "I live in this suburb, I run in these streets and this filth is disgusting. And do you know why it is here?" I ask. It's a bit of a rhetorical question because she'll get an answer whether she responds or not. "It's here because people don't care. I do." I turned around, continuing with my route up the hill. The bakkie and the parked car This morning I spent over an hour standing in a queue on the pavement outside SARS, attending to an IRP5 query on my assessment. A guy in a bakkie pulled up, parking in a spot near the front door. The spot was vacant because yellow lines (and a sign) have designated this a bus parking area. He pulled up right up the ah-sss... err... bumper of a parked car, so close that I would not have been able to squeeze my shapely leg between the two vehicles. The parked car didn't have much space in front of him either; more, but not much. I left my spot in the queue to walk out on to the road and around to the bakkie driver's window where I pointed to the parked car and asked, "How is that guy meant to get his car out?". "I'm just going to pay," he replied. "I've been on this section of pavement for an hour," I told him. "And you have to stand in the queue too so this is not going to be a quick process." I suggested that he reverse a little to give the guy in front some space. I walked back to my place in the queue, next to a friendly lady. "I'd like to think that someone would do that for me," I explained to her. The bakkie guy drove away, put off sticking around either by me or the prospective one-hour (or longer) wait. He-who-would-have-been-parked-in returned to his car not three minutes later. The printer and the brochures After deliberating for a few weeks whether to spend R1500 to R2500 on printing 400 brochures for FEAT next week, I decided to go ahead because they will be really special to the speakers and sponsors. I put in a couple of late (very late) nights to work on the design, layout and content. Last week I dropped the artwork at the printers. A friendly call this morning announced that my brochures for my FEAT event were ready for collection. If there is one thing I love, it is seeing something I've written or created in tangible full-page colour. It's one of the reasons I so love writing for magazines... that smell of fresh printing and the delight of colours on the paper... After 10 years I still rip open packaging to get at my articles, just to see what they look like in print. I'd been waiting for that call for a week. The lady hands over the box and my heart drops. In that first glimpse I notice a patch of streaky printing. "Maybe it's only that one," I think. I pick up a few more. Same. I open up the brochure and notice a white border at the bottom despite the 5mm bleed that I'd included in the artwork; a trimming problem. I detect more streaky printing where the 'FEAT green' should be solid and there are streaks across Pierre's face on the back. Yes, the whole box of 400 brochures and the event takes place in exactly one week today. The lady calls over the graphic designer, who submitted my job. I ask for the manager/owner too. They offer to trim the white line from the bottom, if I'd like to wait. I'm not crazy about this solution. I notice that the logos on the front fold are almost on the edge of the page, when they should be centred. It turns out that instead of printing on a large sheet and trimming to A4, they printed to A4 without resizing the artwork accordingly. I mention this. And that's to say nothing of the streaky ink. "That's the printer," says the lady. Hugh, the manager (or owner) apologises for the trimming errors saying that my job should have been printed large sheet and then trimmed. "So, why wasn't it," I ask. He offers me a 20% discount on my next print job. I pay the balance and walk with my box to my car. I put the box in the boot and walk to my door. I hesitate. I walk back to the boot to grab a brochure. I walk inside again, asking for Hugh. "I have a story to tell you," I announce. I tell him about the one about 'The boss and the accountants'. I then explain what FEAT is about and why I created it; because I love adventures and expeditions and I have such admiration for adventurers, many of whom I know; because I believe that these brave and courageous people need an event like FEAT to bring them together to share their tales; because they are important to me; and because this event is something that I have created and that it is special to me. "Every one of your staff here are on your team," I add. "They work hard at their jobs to make this business a good one. I come to you with something that is very important to me and I am spending what I consider a lot of money to print this brochure. When these pages started coming out of the printer why didn't anyone notice these things that I saw in seconds? Why are none of you on my team?" I continue: "I walked back in here because even though people at my event may not notice the streaky printing, the off-centre folds and the white line at the bottom, I did. These brochures, the speakers, the event's sponsors and the audience are very special and important to me and I expect this to be important to you too." Hugh is reprinting my brochures, on large sheets - trimmed to A4. I'll collect on Monday. Hugh - thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being on my team. Readers, care. Care enough to stand up for yourself, for things that are important to you, for people who are important to you and for things that you would like others to do for you. And the people or companies in your life who are not on your team? Replace them whith those who will support you and everything that is important and special to you - not because you are paying them to do something but because it is important and special to them too.

When the work you do is in everyone’s face

In case you don’t know /haven’t heard I work at the Bassline Jazz Club….it was supposed to be half day (that lasted 3 days) and I have now been there for 3.5 months. I have been working my fingers to the bone; and despite my harassed look at times, I absolutely love it.

I have been trying to work out why I love it so much and have come to the conclusion it is the people. As with any job, after a couple of months the novelty wears off a bit but meeting all these amazing people every day at my club doesn’t get in the least bit boring.

And, you may well ask what is so special about them. Well, they are mostly musicians, singers, drummers, DJ’s, stand up poets and so on. These guys and gals get up on the stage and do their stuff. If they are not really good they don’t get asked back. If they can’t play or sing the right notes no one wants to play with them. When they are in front of an audience and the audience doesn’t like them they are finished – probably won’t be on that stage again. And let’s face it – an audience turns into an instant expert on whatever is being performed…and they are paying the money.

So these guys and gals pitch for their rehearsals with a hungry glint in their eyes; brimming with enthusiasm and they can keep going all day if necessary, perfecting one song or piece of music. They pitch for the gig rehearsed and ready to wow the crowd.

They are judged ruthlessly by their peers and audience. Their work is on display for everyone to see and hear – they can’t be in a bad mood, they can’t hide that they don’t quite know the music that well, they can’t pretend. There is no BS here, They have to be good/better/best at what they do.

Striking Out

Since last week I have been muttering to anyone who will listen that this is not a public service strike – this is a coup d’état and the irony is that the ANC supporters and voters are supporting this coup and the teachers, nurses, et al are throwing their weight behind this endeavour without thinking that it is not actually about them.

And today we hear that the defence force may be downing tools as well and joining the strike. And the strikers still think this is about them!

To be candid, I have no sympathy for the nurses and teachers or other public servants. They are constantly on their soap boxes moaning about the pittance they earn, that they want a liveable wage. This same song has been sung for as long as I can remember. And we believe it - this song about the pittance - and we say things like “yes they should be paid more ” and "shame, the deserve more".

Well ask yourself – how much more should they be paid. I know damn well that my liveable wage is nowhere close to the Oppenheimer’s or the Trumps so how much do I need every month?

I also know that the successes coming out of schools are dismal. Ditto hospitals, ditto Dept of Home Affairs, ditto SAPS etc etc. So how much do they deserve for their very dismal performance?

There are figures being bandied about that 80% of our schools are dysfunctional. Even if that figure was 50% it is still of lot of teachers and principals who are not doing their jobs. The performance indicator is there for all to see - at least 50% of our matric pupils fail the final exam. I am yet to see these schools and teachers trying, in their own small environments, to make things better. Do they deserve more money? Is more money going to make them do their jobs better. I think not. And the same can be said for the hospitals – how many dysfunction hospitals do we have? They are filthy, short of suppliers, when something is broken it doesn’t get fixed, there is no nursing to speak of. So I have to ask the same question as I did with the schools…is more money going to make them do their jobs better, do they deserve more money? I think not.

The people working in these various establishments have allowed and contributed to the decay in their institutions. And I don’t see them caring all that much. But they think the strike is about them and that they will get more for the lousy jobs they are doing. Well, the strike is not about them and I hope to goodness they find themselves out of jobs so they can see how most of SA lives.

It's the end of August already

My Future Dog

Every so often I think about the dog I would like to have. I also think of the cute tricks I could teach it to do and I have even adapted the first part of the Tai Chi form for my canine friend, so we can do Tai Chi together in the park. But what dog do I get?….well this is the one I want – I fell in love with this critter years ago and it is my dream dog. It also satisfies my liking of lambs! By the way - it is real; it's a Bedlington Terrier.

Soccer Fever

Soccer fever will never die…..

Spring is here

At last! My wisteria is getting little buds. But I have noticed, down the road, that there are a couple of dark purple wisterias already flowering. And of course the wonderful perfume from all the jasmine is a sure sign that spring has sprung.

A Happiness Quote to mull over

How easy to be amiable in the midst of happiness and success. -Madame Anne Sophie Swetchine, (1782-1857)

Holding on to today

From Lisa's blog adventurelisa www.ar.co.za

Posted: 22 Aug 2010 08:13 AM PDT Mmm... would you believe that I'm already diarising events for 2011? As a child - perhaps around eight years old - I remember saying to a little friend's mom how I was looking forward to the holiday, or something like that. She replied, "Don't wish your life away." It was only many years later that what she said made sense. Now, I'm putting in dates for events next year (I am planning to do a number of events) but I don't wish that they were here already because I'm still trying to hold on to today as it slips away.

Depression

Something popped up on Facebook from my friend Brian Goddard – and I am always keen to see what he has to say. On facebook Brian often provides that gentle reminder about issues, like cancer awareness, that have at one stage or another affected all of us.

So the other day I saw this posting from Brian about depression – he was supporting Depression Awareness Week and he commented that he had been there and done that particular T shirt. Other people commented (mostly men) that they too had got that T shirt and never, ever wanted to get another one. Lots of people had hit the “Like” button, as did I.

I have been feeling that I should have commented but I can’t find the posting now; this has been niggling me. And anyway, facebook doesn’t give me enough space to do justice to this subject…so here’s what I have to say:

I am not talking about the blues, I am not talking about waking up in the morning thinking “gosh, I feel a bit off today, a bit flat…not quite myself” or even feeling like that for a few days. I am talking about wishing you had never woken up at all – every day. I am talking about when depression (or anxiety – or both) is so overwhelming that your quality of life, your relationships with the people around you and at work is such that you battle to get through the day or cant get through the day. I am talking about not being able to make even the smallest decision and that you always feel you are taking 3 steps backwards. I am talking about feeling your life is absolutely not right and you are unable to fix it. Depression and anxiety can be hugely debilitating on you and those around you.

But depression is one of those conditions that we seldom speak about, let alone publicly admit to. When I worked in the medical industry we would get stats from various medical aids showing the spend on pharmaceuticals – Top of the pops along side hypertension meds was the catch all term anti-depressants. So, I can safely assure you that you are not alone out there.

I guess there are a number of reasons we don’t talk about it…sure we might say something along the lines of “I find this so depressing” or “I am so depressed about xyz”. But this isn’t the big D. We all, on occasion, have to face challenges…heck people die, we move house, country, and change jobs, we have a lot on our plates at the same time – all those things happen. They are stressful and cause anxiety but mostly, we get through it, can cope and we move on. Sometimes, though, these things weigh far too heavily and this, together with some strange chemical reaction (speak to a doctor) in our bodies triggers a major depression…the kind mentioned above when you don’t want to wake up again.

I know of people who have been fired from their jobs for non-performance – and I know they were depressed! Only after they were fired did they go to the doctor to get some help…and then everyone said “Ag shame, he is so depressed because he was fired”. He was depressed before he was fired!

Depression is a medical condition – and it can be treated. There are heaps of people out there who do actually understand this….and they can help you. I heard a very wise man once talk about depression as being the result of a “psychological accident” – emotional, physiological and environmental stresses that all happen at the same time. It happens, and it can happen to you.

Why do we find it so hard to admit to ourselves that we are depressed? And why do we find it so hard to get help? I’ll tell you something….I once told someone I was on anti-depressants and you know what my good friend said “Gosh, I always thought you were so strong”. How about that! I was rendered speechless and felt relegated to the ranks of the weak and feeble. I decided not to “defend” myself. I mean, why should I…. I don’t have to defend my under active thyroid condition do I?

I must also tell you about Jon Bon Jovi. Some time ago he had a major depressive episode – that’s why you never heard any new songs from him for quite a long time. He’s quite open about it and I can just hear everyone say “Wow, fame, fortune, women throwing themselves at him…he’s got everything….what’s he got to be depressed about….he’s a rock star for God’s sake?” Well, sometimes these things happen….sometimes that little depression switch is thrown in our bodies and wham bam….

So let’s talk about diagnosis and treatment…..

Diagnosis:

You know if you are depressed. Your doctor will know if you are depressed. And so will those close to you or they will be skirting around the issue and saying things like “maybe you should see someone”.. So if someone says to you that maybe you are depressed don’t snap their head off or say firmly, almost aggressively “I’m fine…there’s nothing wrong with me, I know what I am doing….what the heck do you know anyway?” Hmmmm see what I mean. And nor do you need to tell your friends and family that the Doctor says you are depressed…like you’re the surprised party in all this – like you didn’t know….one of the best things to do is take charge of depression and “own” it….then you can start getting better.

Treatment

The Natural Route

There are heaps of treatments so let’s start with the natural remedies that you can buy off the shelf at Clicks or Dischem. St John’s Wort is the favourite and comes from a little yellow flowered plant and promises to cure. You will get about 1.8million results if you Google St John’s Wort. Lots of stuff there so it is quite difficult to know if it is effective or not…but it does seems that the chemical in SJW – hypericum is quite effective with mild depression so that will make the “natural way” advocates smile….although conclusive trials, as I understand it, have not been conducted yet. But…it does seem though that the chemical hypericum reacts adversely with some prescription drugs and renders them ineffective (eg oral contraceptives)…so for goodness sake check with your doctor before swallowing SJW. The one thing that puts me off SJW is that its efficacy is inhibited if you eat cheese and drink wine whilst on this drug….my favourite source of protein and carbs!…But if these natural drugs and chemicals are not working then do yourself a favour and go see a doctor.

The “Hard Core” Drugs Route

This is the route that most people have a problem with. I have heard comments like “I am supposed to take one tablet a day but I only take half so I don’t mess up my body” says she puffing on a fag and swigging from a glass of vodka. And in the next breath says “they don’t work and make me feel funny”. Well go figure….

There is a whole new generation of drugs out there now. Side effects are minimal and if the drug is not working for you, you can actually discuss this with your doctor and move onto something else….yes you can!

But let’s, just for a minute, go back to the pollution of your temple (body) with chemicals especially when it comes to anti-depressants, anti anxiety and anti psychotic drugs. Please be consistent in rationalising why you won’t take anti-depressants and consider everything else you take…for hypertension, chemotherapy and smoking, drinking, HRT, viagra, caffeine, Wimpy tomato sauce, panado and asprin…..they are all chemicals, and “foreign” to your body/temple….. so again…go figure.

Getting Better

My favourite course of action for any illness is to visit my doctor asap and get treated. I once nearly knocked my gynae’s block off when he prescribed Evening Primrose Oil for me….I wanted “drugs”, something that would make me feel better ..now. I demand treatment from a doctor….If your doctor wont listen then find another one…ask a friend for a referral…you don’t owe a doctor any loyalty…you pay him/her to make you better.

The first step in getting better is to admit there is a problem. The second step is to take that big step and go and see a doctor. The third step is to take your nearest and dearest into your confidence – you have no idea how relieved they will be. People feel helpless and frustrated that they cannot help you… Relationships take a pounding so be responsible and don’t make things worse by sucking it up and saying you can handle it whilst all around you the wheels are falling off everything and everyone. Going onto treatment wont instantly make you happy – in fact don’t be misled here….the opposite of depression is not happiness. The opposite is “not being depressed”. Don’t think you will be running around laughing and smiling – especially if that’s not what you normally do. You will feel better on treatment; the storm clouds will lift and you will be able to cope. And over a period of time you will feel just like your old self – whatever that may be!

And yes…I’ve been there and got that T shirt many times and it is not nice.

Measuring what makes life worthwhile

Often my Sunday night treat is to watch a couple of TED Talks (www.ted.com). TED stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design; speakers from all walks of life present a no more than 20 minute talk. These talks are fascinating and cover anything from comedy, to how to convert a system that is running cars on petrol to one that runs them on electricity.

Lisa sent me this link late last night and I didn’t wait for Sunday night to come round to listen to it. It is a talk by Chip Conley called “measuring what makes life worthwhile”. And yes, it is about Happiness stuff. Chip is a successful hotel owner in the USA and has built his business on creating the conditions in his hotel chain for happiness to occur. His bio says he creates joyful hotels!

He speaks about how its time for us (actually we are overdue on this) to create an alternative definition of success – in our own lives as well as business and more importantly, as nations. It is called GNH (Gross National Happiness) as opposed to GDP. This concept and measurement index was started some 30 odd years ago by the young king of Bhutan and is slowly spreading across the world. The index is now being used by 40 countries. He shows a slide of what, as countries, we should be measuring – this list being taken from a talk given by Robert Kennedy all those years ago – 40 years ago? It's something we should demand of all our politicians.

Have a listen: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/chip_conley_measuring_what_makes_life_worthwhile.html

I found the mood map of South Africa (13^th April 2010) on http://www.bandwidthblog.com/2010/04/08/see-the-grids-mood-map-on-etv-each-morning/ IYou can see the “mood” on eTV. Look at the % for Gauteng…..

Mouse Bird Balls and Meringues

Mouse Birds:

I have a huge tree outside my bedroom. I have a double story and in the morning I look at the birds congregating in the branches for all the yummy stuff like fruit and seeds I put out for them. A month or so ago I noticed the big round feathery thing in the tree and once I had my specs on my face I realised it wasn’t a whopping big fat rotund bird - it was a huddle of mouse birds! This is how they were keeping warm. The birds on the outside of the ball take turns clambering up their buddies backs and push their way down into the middle…The little guy, or gal, on the inside has to face the cold until it’s his turn again to clamber up and push his way in. Very cute; I just love watching them in the morning – they hang in this ball and catch the morning sun beams. In the photo – not such a good one (and nor in good focus) - shows a big round grey blob – that’s the mouse bird ball.

Meringues:

Today was a stunning day; warming up thank goodness. The cold spell was awful and today I almost felt that spring was here…

So full of the joys of spring…….I decided that there was nothing better to celebrate this summery feeling than with strawberries, cream and meringues. I dove into the kitchen to knock up a quick batch but nothing is really quick, is it? I couldn’t quite remember how old the eggs were and I didn’t have enough sugar. So off to the shops and back again…then got stuck into making the meringues which actually only take about 15 minutes. Then you put your feet up for a couple of hours while they gently bake.

Every time I make meringues I think of my friend Judy….. And I laugh my way through the process. Once I asked Judy (who is the reigning Meringue Making Queen) what heck did one do with all the egg yolks – especially if you have made a huge batch of meringues? Judy’s reply: put the yolks in an airtight container in the fridge and when they turn green chuck them out……Enjoy the weekend.

Adventure Feats

This is something for all you armchair adventurers..... make a note in your diary and dont forget to buy your tickets. Lisa is putting on this wonderful event that spotlights our amazing South African adventurers.... the speakers promise to be inspirational and entertaining and will probably make all that adventure stuff sound like a walk in the park! From Lisa's Blog FEAT Posted: 14 Jul 2010 03:42 PM PDT The cat is now officially out of the bag. My new project I hinted at a few weeks ago is happening! It is called FEAT and aside from its apt dictionary meaning of 'a noteworthy or extraordinary act or achievement, usually displaying boldness or skill', it is also an acronym for Fascinating Expedition and Adventure Talks. FEAT is an evening of time-limited presentations by South African adventurers. Each speaker develops their talk according to strict guidelines that they've been given by me. As a result, each presentation will take exactly seven minutes. Although the people invited to speak have accomplished amazing feats, they have very specific topics to talk on. It's not about, "I climbed Everest" or "I rowed across the Atlantic"; their topics are focused on an element of their adventure. The other joy of this format is that the audience is exposed to a variety of topics, adventurers, expeditions and information during the evening; not just one talk on one topic for an hour. And, even if the speaker is not the most dynamic presenter (some people are naturals, some people are not), they're only on the stage for seven minutes and they're speaking according to a structure. This keeps the talks on track, pacy and interesting. There are 12 speakers at this first event, which is scheduled for Thursday, 7 October 2010. FEAT will be held at Wits Theatre, a lovely cosy venue. Being a conservative type, I went for a venue with a theatre feel and a reasonable amount of seats (only 367; other venues had less than 200 seats, which is too small). I'd rather have tickets sold out and people braying for more, than having a massive venue with empty seats. And, in terms of presenting this event and getting it off the ground, costs are a factor and they go up exponentially for hire of bigger venues. That will come later when FEAT is established. Although the live speaker format will be phenomenal, I also have a big picture in mind around to include adventure films and books coming out of SA. It's about time that SA's adventurers get mainstream recognition. Tickets will be available from Monday, 2 August 2010 on Computicket. Friends, please book then and there so you don't miss out. This will really be a situation of snooze, you lose. Today, Thursday, publicity around this event starts. But first, I have some special thanks to make. Deon, from Go Multi, was out running with me the day before I started putting this together. I told him the idea, he jumped for joy and immediately gave me Go Multi magazine's support to promote the event. The four sponsors involved with the event all jumped at being involved: Biophys - my dear friend Michael Graz, who is an adventure racer and crazy ultra runner too, always finds time to read - and support - my ideas between flying from one country to the next (his company Biophys is a consultancy focusing on operations and technical processes and systems within biotech and food technology industries - including environmental management). Buff - Eric was positive from the start, seeing the potential of this event without hesitation. Buff is a great brand to partner with FEAT because no event or expedition can possibily be completed without Buff headwear. I think that I am 'the person with the most Buffs in SA' - I've been collecting for 10 years. Capestorm - Ian was the second person I told about FEAT, the night I started putting my plans together, and he immediately agreed to CAPESTORM getting involved. Hi-Tec - Although Shayne is Hi-Tec's brand manager, he is also an adventurer, having biked up Africa a few years ago. He gets FEAT. Adri, AR friend and ADAC squad member, is a graphic designer. I asked her if she could come up with a design for the logo. She got it spot-on from the start - I love the colours, clarity, fun-feel of it. She is also assisting with the design work for the promotional posters and other graphic elements. William, another AR friend, is helping with visual elements for the evening. He came with me with Wits a few weeks ago to test projection and to make sure that the images can be seen from every seat in the house. On the night William will literally be running the show. Matt, AR Club member, runner and producer of the Volk & Fordyce series, is just as excited about FEAT as me. We're looking into various film elements from YouTube to others. I'd also like to compliment Wits Theatre and Computicket; I've had wonderful support from them and efficient service from the start. The Theatre is delighted to have FEAT there and as Wits is my alma mater, I'm delighted to have FEAT there. And then there are dozens of friends that I've mentioned FEAT to and I'm overwhelmed by their support and encouragement, suggestions of speakers, offers to MC, direct parking etc. In fact, even strangers - like the guy at the signage company - are unbelievably supportive; they just love the concept of FEAT. And, most importantly, the speakers for this first FEAT evening - Alex Harris, Andrew Kellet, Cobus van Zyl, Darron Raw, Kyle Meenehan, Mandy Ramsden, Marianne Schwankhart, Mike Blyth, Peter van Kets, Pierre Carter, Ray Chaplin and Riaan Manser - all said yes immediately. Some I know, others I've not yet met in person. Regardless, they said yes enthusiastically and I'm delighted to have them at FEAT. They are FEAT. So, today is kinda officially the day it all starts, especially in terms of media and publicity. Very, very exciting. FEAT website is http://www.featsa.co.za/