The Great Disconnect

I have had a couple of items on my list of blogs to write and after listening to a radio programme this morning on communication I had to get stuck into this one.

Well, this is one of my favourite soap box subjects and it is about having great conversations. It is about being with people you love talking to; it is about hearing new idea and opinions; it is about having people listen to your ideas and opinions; it is about being focused on what people are saying and giving them the floor; it is about the person/people you are talking to being focused on you and listening to what you have to say….giving you the floor, it is about laughing and teasing and having lovely face-to-face time with people.

I want to always have conversations like this. When I ask a person to tell me more about their day I want a bit of depth, juice, detail… not an answer like “well you know what its like”. No, I don’t.

I am not talking about having world changing conversations every second of the day, I am talking about having meaningful, non-frustrating conversations. I want to know what the other person feels about stuff, things, books, movies, politics. I am really interested in what they have to say. One of my firm favourites is when you begin telling someone (partner/friend/colleague) about something that is bothering you – and before you even get to the end of your story the “listener” is rattling off solutions, suggestions, advice and so on… maybe you just wanted to be listened to? What is this overwhelming need we all have to solve the other person’s problems? And one of my firm favourites is when you are talking to someone and they are madly looking past your left ear, making contact with someone else.

But what happens when you don’t have meaningful conversations with your nearest and dearest? This is when the “great disconnect” comes in. And I have to tell you this story about me and a man-friend (ex now) – this is true.

About 18 months or so ago my man-friend and I went off to a nice North Coast resort for a mid week break. One of my girl-friends was staying in a holiday cottage up the coast from the resort with 3 of her gay guy friends. At the start of the trip to the coast my man-friend indicated that I shouldn’t chatter all the way there and needless to say we didn’t chatter all that much once we arrived. My girlfriend from up the coast invited us to tea… so off we went and my man-friend sat on the periphery of the group whilst me, my friend and the 3 gay guys chatted away, laughed like crazy and generally had a really fun time. My man-friend did not contribute an awful lot despite our endeavours to draw him into the conversation. Needless to say, I didn’t need a science degree to realise, on my return to Johannesburg, that this relationship had obviously run its course and shortly thereafter we parted company. But the funny thing was, that months later my girl-friend told me that that after she had seen us off, the guys were nattering away as to who the heck my man-friend was…. The conclusion: one said he was sure my man-friend was my older brother and the other 2 thought he was my driver. Total disconnect :-)

On Being Lost and Making Mistakes

My daughter wrote a blog a few weeks ago about the “why’s and how’s” of getting lost – she is referring to getting physically lost in the bush, on the road and so on.. (You can read the full posting at http://adventurelisa.blogspot.com/2009/03/getting-lost-how-and-why.html)

Some of the observations on how and why we get lost physically can be applied to how we get lost in our daily lives and our relationships. Look at this statement - there are clearly lessons for us in this:

You are going along quite happily “…..but then something goes wrong; you stop paying attention perhaps and suddenly you look up and realise that your mental image (or the map in your hand) doesn't match the world you observe. And to make matters worse, once you realise that you're not where you thought you were, you keep pressing forwards, driven by the goal (motivation) to get to a specific place - your destination - where you know safety, shelter, food and warmth await (emotion). Emotion with motivation is a lost person's undoing.”

Lisa goes on to talk about “bending the map”: which refers to inventing reasons for something not being there – like the lake may have dried up. And she says that when you do this the red lights should be flashing. “What you are trying to do is make reality conform to your expectations rather that seeing what’s there.”

And her final message to adventurers and navigators is: “if you don't know where you are, backtrack. Going forward into the unknown really will not improve your situation. Return to your last point of certainty and try again.”

So, without getting too preachy and acting like a know-it-all, I must confess that I am often amazed at how we continue on the same path with great determination that something will change; the mountain or lake will suddenly appear in front of us; “things” will suddenly come right; doing “things” the same old way even though “things” are not right or working out very well.

It’s a good idea sometimes, to stop what you’re doing, take stock and change direction if that is what will give you better results and make you happier.

And finally, I just love this particular life tip from Nassim Nicolas Taleb (of Black Swan fame) :– Learn to fail with pride – and do so fast and cleanly. Maximise trial and error – by mastering the error part.

What is your Whuffie Value?

What is your What? Your what is Whuffie and I have taken this extract from Wikipedia (slightly edited by me) to explain it:

"Whuffie is the ephemeral, reputation-based currency of Cory Doctorow's science fiction novel, Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom. This book describes a post-scarcity economy: All the necessities (and most of the luxuries) of life are free for the taking. The usual economic incentives have disappeared from the book's world. Whuffie has replaced money,
providing a motivation for people to do useful and creative things. A person's Whuffie is a general measurement of his or her overall reputation, and Whuffie is lost and gained according to a person's favourable or unfavourable actions. The question is, who determines which actions are
favourable or unfavourable? In Down and Out, the answer is public opinion. Rudely pushing past someone on the sidewalk will definitely lose you points from them (and possibly bystanders who saw you), while composing a much-loved symphony will earn you Whuffie from everyone who enjoyed it;….. Whuffie helps make better decisions on a person-by-person basis, and thus is more flexible than rating someone by their bank account. Go to ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whuffie for the full explanation"

So, try to imagine what our world (and you and me) would look like if we adopted this currency system.

Can you calculate your Whuffie value?

The other day I thought about some actions that would have people removing Whuffies from a person’s account: What do you think of these:

Throwing trash out the car
How a person treats a waiter/shop assistant/garbage man
Copying everyone in the company with an email that tells you off
Even worse, how a person uses bcc
How a person handles a bit of power
If a person contributes to society
The boss who passes off the brilliant colleagues work as their own
Moving the golf ball
Not sticking to the rules
Not obeying the rules of road
How a person treats his nearest and dearest (ie. Aged parents)

And so on….. add to the list if you like.

I am sure I don’t have to make a list of the items that will earn you Whuffies…… you know what they are. Go Earn Whuffies.

On Being Busy

Have you noticed these days that the standard response to “How ya doing” is “busy”? With a big sigh for sound effects.

What is all this "busy" stuff? What does this mean? Has being “busy” seduced us?

Does being soooo busy mean that our lives are just soooo (important and packed to capacity) busy that we don’t have time for things like fun, movies, sport, exercise, eating well?

All these questions:

• Are we using “busy” just because we feel (embarrassed) too shy to say that we had a great day lounging by the pool reading Chick Lit?
• Is being “busy” just an excuse to ignore things that are really important?
• Is being “busy” a perfect excuse for allowing things to fall apart.
• ......like dealing with important relationship issues, fixing things at home that need attention, making the phone call, writing the report?
• Is being “busy” just procrastination for not dealing with tax returns, looking at your finances, starting new important projects?
• Is being “busy” just a way of saying you're out of control?
• Is being “busy” just a way of not doing stuff that makes you feel uneasy because they are unfamiliar/new things and you think you may (fail - God forbid) not do them very well?
• Is being “busy” just a way to avoid connecting with your nearest and dearest, colleagues, people? (They may ask what you’re so busy with.)
• Are you being “busy” to trick yourself into thinking you are working on all the important stuff?
• Is being “busy” just a way to fill up the day with things you don’t really need to do (and ignore the important stuff)
  
  And
  
  Is being “busy” the only value we feel we should attach to our lives/work because we think that this gives what we do value? Think again....please.

Being “busy” doesn’t actually mean a heck of a lot….

There is a great deal of difference between being busy and having a lot to do ie. A full planned day. The prez of the US has time to go to funerals, spend time with his kids, take holidays, go to church, see his friends for meals …. Must I carry on? His day, all 24 hours of it, is just the same as yours and mine (well sort of).

So what must you do?

***Be creative and productive – you cant be this if you are running around being busy and frantic.
***You need to do the the important stuff, be focused, committed and disciplined.
***Don’t be a people pleaser all the time – their feelings wont be hurt if you say no - and they will still speak to you.
***Take care of the important things every day.
***Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
***Don’t be afraid to deal with important things
***Don’t make to-do lists if you know you wont do all the stuff on them – who you trying to kid?
***Take control of your life – you only have a 8 – 10 hour work day - so make sure you do the important stuff – don’t fill you time with things that aren’t important.
***Plan – don’t leave things to chance
***Prioritise – make the right choices – you cant do everything but you can do the important stuff. This is called being (grown-up) realistic

Honesty

People will find you a lot more interesting if you tell them what you are doing/working on…… just saying “busy” doesn’t quite open the doors to engaging and meaningful conversation. In fact it almost says “Sorry-too busy to talk… not sharing… don’t ask me what I doing… work is too important to talk about…haven’t got time… etc”

Give what you do value and give your time value – just stop saying “busy”.

Stop Stop Stop

• Saying you are busy - it's annoying.
• Being addicted to busy.