How to have a good fight

I read something the other day that said when you have an argument with a significant other you only fight about the reason for the argument for the first 30 seconds then dump every slight, hurt, whinge and other bit of baggage and fight about that!

It is no wonder we walk away from a fight feeling that the problem hasn’t been sorted out and often feeling really lousy and wishing we could un-say stuff.

So how do we go about having a “good fight”? How do we go about having that tricky talk without it blowing up into an ugly fight? Well, first you must understand that usually every time you want to have the tricky talk, the other person will probably react by getting on the defensive - which is very normal behaviour. Secondly, it is a really good idea to make the time and space for this talk.

And thirdly, Remember: The talk is not just about you – listen really well to what the other person has to say. You don't have the win the fight at all costs.

This is my list on how to have that good tricky talk and I would love to hear what you have to add to it:

Tricky Talk Openers
Hint: don’t be ambiguous – make sure the other person knows what you want to talk about

· What I want to talk to you about (xyz) is really important to me
· I may be over-reacting, but please listen to what I have to say about xyz
· I believe this, xyz, isn’t just my/your problem – it is our problem
· What are we actually disagreeing about – please can we talk about it
· I am not asking you to find the solution for this but it really helps me to talk to you about it
· I understand you are in a difficult situation at the moment but it is important we try to
solve this together
· I feel unappreciated and want to talk to you about why I do

Things to say during the Tricky Talk if things hot up:

· We are getting off the subject – can we get back to talking about xyz
· We can agree to disagree on that issue
· I might be wrong on that – I am sorry
· I hadn’t thought of that
· I understand your position/situation
· I understand it is not your fault
· How can I make this better

Things to say at the end of the Tricky Talk

· Thank you
· I love you

And last but not least, a little sense of humour helps a hellava lot!

“My wife Mary and I have been married for 47 years and not once have had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny