Christmas Relationships

From the number of magazine articles and talk shows highlighting all the do’s and don’ts on how to survive the festive season, how to deal with in-laws, kids, animals, aged aunts, et al, I am amazed that people even put themselves through “all this” once a year…..

But it did get me thinking and I have cast my mind back to the annual festivities when I was a child/young person. I have a large extended family and we would go to my Aunt Dorry’s farm that was situated almost half between Kwe Kwe and Gweru in Zimbabwe. Because it was about a 4 hour drive from Harare and about the same from Bulawayo, we used to set off days in advance of Christmas day and only leave days after…it was after all, a long way to travel. And here’s the thing: We all descended on Amatava and out amazing Aunt Dorry – and I seem to remember there were lots of us - and somehow it all worked. Dormitories were set up comprising mattresses, stretchers and anything else one could sleep on, little kids topped and toed and the best thing was you got to sleep near your favourite person. 3 meals a day were miraculously produced, there were drinks on the lawn before lunch and evenings spent (for me) listening to the family stories, playing carpet bowls and watching the adults. There was always a lot of kissing and hugging and patting on the back……and there was a lot of laughter and silly tricks. And there were a few arguments, fights call them what you will….usually about a difference of opinion over politics or religion or whatever and then a big kissing and hugging and making up again – either before bed or first thing the next morning. My mother always said (of this, my father’s family that I am talking about) she found it amazing how the next day, if there had been a disagreement, it was like nothing at all had happened.

I am not sure how rose tinted my specs are/were but I cant recall people not speaking to each, family feuds or long term grudges being played out. I also remember that us kids were all treated the same way…we never felt that one was ‘the favourite” or getting more pressies or loves. We, or at least I, always felt quite special.

So what have I taken away with me, what do I remember about how the family (and others) all came together and had a great deal of fun…and let me tell that this was the place everyone wanted to be at Christmas time….. even the various ex-spouses and their new families.

I guess some of the lessons learnt (and only understood as an older adult) are:

You don’t always have to win the argument/discussion/fight or have the last word.

It’s a time for telling stories about your successes, failures and anything else that might have happened during the year….so let whoever is telling ramble on and enjoy.

And last but not least…. I like these 2 little stories and I remind myself of them (frequently!):

The first is the good old biblical one of “do unto others….” Which is very powerful and self explanatory.

And the second is about the 2 Buddhist monks walking down the road….one young and handsome and one old and bitter. They get to a river which has burst its banks and there is a beautiful young woman trying to get across. The young monk picks her up and carries her to the other side. The old monk crosses as well and the 2 monks carry on their journey. Eventually the old monk berates the young one, asking him how he could have carried the young woman across; he should not have touched her etc etc. The young monk looks at him and says “Hey Dude, I left her on the bank of the river but you are still carrying her…” Cool lesson don’t you think?

I am now going to steal and share my friend Hazel’s Christmas message which I think says it a lot better than I can:

I hope that your Christmas will be filled with an abundance of love, sharing and giving. As Christmas is also the link between old years and a new one about to dawn, my wish for you is that you are able to look back in happiness and forward in hope, knowing that there will be many new wonderful and happy times awaiting you in 2011. Thank you Hazel

Life Rules

Way back in June 2009 I wrote about the ROI on Relationships and said something along the lines of:

“If one person in the relationship doesn’t care and believes less in it; the person doesn’t make enough time or gives enough attention or respect then that relationship probably won’t last long….. The strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when both parties invest equally.”

And now I am going to add a bit more to that statement:.....” and that the strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when you have defined how you want to live your life and you mindfully live it.”

I love this quote from Henry David Thoreau's Walden :

“We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

This is being mindful…..

To have a mindful relationship you must consciously work at it – all the time. All too often we leap into marriage or other partnerships without having first laid down our life rules. The rules and values on how we want to live our lives in a meaningful way. Like Thoreau says: “We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

So what are some of these rules? They could look something like this:

I will create an environment that is loving and kind and polite

I will create an environment that is creative and constructive

I will create an environment that encourages growth and learning

I will create an environment that makes people feel special

I will create an environment where the opinions of others are respected and listened to.

And so on… and if this looks like a list of warm and fuzzies just think what your relationships are like if you don’t have these things in place.

To finish off, this is a quote from business guru Tom Peters:

"It's always 'the people.'" It may be glib, but in this instance I don't care. Network, keep your promises, and behave decently. You are as good as your relationships. Period. Short term. Long term. Good times. Tough times. This is the time (though all times are, in fact, the time) to "over" invest in relationship building and maintenance."

How we see others

My daughter Lisa is in Abu Dhabi at the moment - they start a 6 day adventure race tomorrow morning (go to www.ar.co.za for race info and links to the tracking site).

Lisa is a prolific writer; where she gets the time from to do many pre-race, during race and post race reports is a bit of a mystery. But report she does and her posting today is quite funny and I wanted to share this with you.

She has posted quite a few photos of herself, with her team and other people. I know that I always have this idea in my mind that Lisa is a really big and strong (and fearless) girl. But when I see her in photos, she is usually amongst the smallest of the girls and much, much smaller than the boys....she is really quite tiny.................hmmm funny isn't it?

Practical approach to new challenges:

The race starts tomorrow; this is the fast and furious warm up leg, with a shortish paddle in funny looking inflatable canoes; then a fast run and another paddle to wherever. Lisa says that paddling the canoes will be a bit like paddling a jumping castle....

And her strategy for this leg of the race: "to just go like hell". Sometimes this is the very best thing to do.....

Relationships 101

When I announced that I would be writing about “relationships” in December I had a couple of emails saying things like whoopee and wow; and one email from a good friend which said: “what the heck do you know about relationships, you aren’t even married”.

Well, firstly: there are lots of different types of relationships out there other than a married relationship. But I guess in a way, he has a point. Marriage is one of the most important, life time commitments/relationships you will ever have – and this relationship has an enormous effect on your happiness. I was married once – a long time ago - for a very short time; and I often make a little joke that goes along the lines of having had an unsuccessful marriage but that I have had a very successful divorce.

Secondly: was I miffed about my friends comment? Not really. Having been successfully single for about 96% of my life, I am used to comments like this. We (the human race), like it or not, like people to be married or at least in a long term relationship – it fits the norm. At least now in my near dotage, I don’t have to put up with people asking me why I’m not married…does the human race actually know what a grim question this is? Do they actually except you to “fess up” to some major personality defect, sexual aberration or other deviant behaviour? Just joking….but what the heck are you supposed to answer when someone asks you this? (Note to everyone: I see youngsters cringe and die a thousand deaths when adults ask them why they haven’t got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?....don’t do this, please)

But just to clear the air and speculation, I will share this with you: I have viewed another marriage with a very cautious eye. The few offers I have had over the years have either not been at the right time in my life (ie. I was so broke I would end up at month end with R2.37, I was struggling to build a career, get some sort of life and stability etc etc), or, he was not the right long term marriage partner – which one really only finds out about after the flush of new love fades a bit and these had me very quickly bolting for the hills…never to be seen again for dust. Seriously though – I have had strong reasons for not taking the plunge; primarily that I didn’t just want someone just to pick up the bills and even more importantly, I had a child. If the potential marriage partner wasn’t going to treat her as the special person she is, then I wasn’t going there. I needed someone like my brother who has been a fab step father to his kids – I needed someone to love me and my child and be very happy with the entire package (including the pet).

My brother had to contend with a particularly grim step mother who fortunately didn’t last too long and I had to put up with a really awful nasty, viscous step father (actually my mother’s long term partner of about 45 years or so). He died a little while ago and when I phoned my aunt and uncle to pass on the news, the first thing my aunt said was “well, thank goodness for that..” I guess that says it all. His funeral service was on my birthday and we all joked that he had done it on purpose….he really was a miserable sod. So, I have always felt that I needed to be extra careful about inflicting a step father on my daughter….even in her adulthood. And should I get over this little personality quirk? Sure I should…there are heaps and heaps of perfectly lovely, kind people (men) out there and I am blessed that I have met lots and lots and lots of them – I just haven’t wanted to marry any of them *grin*.

So whilst I may not have been married for long, I think / know I can talk about relationships….any kind, any type, any place and any time. Relationships are the things that make our world go round; they make us happier that we could ever have imagined and they also make us the saddest.

Love and happiness to you all