Freedom

"The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day." - David Foster Wallace, 2005

Lessons from a Ballet Teacher

I have a friend who is a ballet teacher. Frances is also, without a doubt, the most energetic person I know. She's on the go all the time and, in addition to teaching little girls (and boys every now and again) ballet, she works part-time as a real estate agent. She teaches from mid-day to about 7.30 at night, she arranges concerts including all the scenery, costumes, music, choreography etc, gets the kids ready for exams and often organises the venue and schedules for the regional exams…. No mean feat I can tell you. And then in the mornings and weekends, if she is not involved in ballet things, she sells houses which means driving people around, visiting new customers, sitting for show houses and here’s the remarkable thing….she still has an amazingly active social life (you have to book her weeks in advance) and... I don’t think I have ever heard her complain.

This last weekend I watched Frances in action at the “mock exams” she had put together for her students. And I realised that there are some really good lessons to be learnt from Frances.

Lesson 1- Brilliant Customer Service

Her customers are little kids ranging from 6 to 18 years of age. These kiddies need to be dealt with as if they are the most important person there. If the kiddies aren’t happy, Frances loses income. Her other primary customer is what is know in the trade as a “ballet mother”. Ditto…if the mother is not happy (and she is sometimes more unhappy than the student) the little girl will be whipped out of that studio so fast and….Frances loses income. Teachers….Frances has a fleet of teachers and she has to make sure they are happy…so this happiness trickles down to the students. She has to build and maintain good, happy relationships with schools and other studios because this is where she gets her students from. And, at the end of the day, she only gets her students as a result of her reputation… nothing else. If she didn’t have a brilliant and consistent reputation she would be out of business. Frances cannot afford to wake up grumpy and snap at the people (little children) around her, she has to be patient; she has to make all her customers feel special. She is always polite and gracious. She goes out of her way to pick up a child who can’t get to lessons; she goes out of her way to make a plan for people who can’t afford costumes. She goes out of her way to accommodate her customers.

Lesson 2 – How to Ask for Help

Frances knows she can’t do everything all by herself and therefore she knows how to ask for help. She has asked me a number of times to give her a hand….I have been the compere at a show, made little feathery swan costumes, scribed for ballet judges and a few other things – all great fun! I have also sat with her on a show house day (it’s not safe for one person) spending a hilarious day playing scrabble because no-one pitched to see the house….

The lesson: Frances knows how to ask. She phones and will say that she needs someone on x day, at such and such time, to do xyz and it will take 1, 2 or 3 hours. And unless it is a complete emergency she will give reasonable notice. She doesn’t whine about how busy she is, she doesn’t hint that she needs someone to help; and she never says she is too busy or overworked. She states clearly what she needs, thereby allowing you to decide if you either have the time or want to do it or negotiate another time with her. It is really painless for both parties.

She has perfected the “ask”…. It works to have all the info available (where, when, what, how) before you pick up the phone…. Don’t hint, and don’t be vague about what you want and make sure that if there is a change in plan you let the person know. ….. Frances makes it easy for you to help her…she gives you all the information you need to do the task and even goes as far as offering her elderly Dad to drive you wherever you need to be!

This is a true story – unfortunately

A couple of months ago I received a phone call from a nice sounding lady who introduced herself nicely to me. I thought she might be selling something but instead she asked me if I knew Mike Smith. I said I wasn’t sure and suggested she give me a bit more info as I knew quite a few. (Don’t you also know someone called Mike Smith?)

She asked me if I was from Zimbabwe, rattled off my funny nickname and told me where I lived…and then horrors of horrors told me that as I was having an affair with her husband – yes, Mike Smith – and, lucky me, I could keep him. Speechless I was, boy was I speechless. She was clearly very distressed so I set about convincing her that I wasn’t having an affair with her husband…and she kept quizzing me and it appeared that this person knew a hell of a lot about me!

Anyway, to cut a very long story short it turned out that I did know her husband; but I also worked out that the last time I saw him was probably when I was about 18. But here’s the thing: It also turned out that he had lunch with my brother before Christmas and naturally in the catch up (my brother hadn’t seen him for donkeys years either) he asked after me and my brother gave him some info – really basic stuff – which looks quite incriminating when told to a wife along with the confession that I was the love of his life and that we were having an affair!

So I did the only thing I could. I told her that this was all very creepy, that it was quite obvious that her husband had some serious problems and suggested she quickly take him to the nearest shrink. And that perhaps she should also get some counselling. I thought that was that and we said our goodbyes…very amicably by the way.

But that was not that and I received a couple more phone calls and then nothing until the other day. She, the wife, asked me if I knew someone called Sandra (I have a cousin called Sandra but was not going down that route again!) and it now turns out that her husband finds that Sandra is the love of his life and he is going to join her in Portugal….hmm. So I asked if he had seen the shrink, had counselling or, my first choice, if she had chucked him out the house yet. She answered no to all the above and proceeded to tell me that he has a drinking problem, treats her like a dog (always has I think), hasn’t worked for many years and she supports him, flattened the savings account for an expensive overseas trip for himself over Christmas and the cherry on the top is that he has bashed her a number of times, so much so that she had to get medical treatment.

So I did the only thing I could. I said “and you are still with this creep because..” . She said…wait for it….. “I love him….”

So I did the only thing I could. I said “and which part of him do you love: let me repeat what you have just told me: he treats you like a dog, he abuses alcohol, he beats you so you have to get medical attention, he doesn’t contribute to your household and in fact has just spent all your hard earned savings, he lies (ie. the affair with me and Sandra), he deceives and you say that his family also treat you badly…. This isn’t rocket science babe.”

Now this is the funny thing about Happiness folks: Happiness doesn’t land in your lap. You don’t win happiness. You have to actually work at happiness. You actually have to, at some point, make the right choices. You have to, at some time, face the fact that some things just don’t get better. You have to decide what your position is and what you want your position to be. The health of our relationships contributes the most points to how happy we are – like 99% of the points. If you buy a lovely new sofa you feel nice and happy for how long? Not that long I think… “Stuff” doesn’t make you happy…But…the people we live with day in and day out, the people we work with day in and day out, contribute hugely to how we feel.

So, with tears in my little eyes I have to ask: “If someone treats you like a dog, does not respect you, abuses you physically and/or mentally, undermines your well being and self worth, causes you untold grief and pain, what on earth are you still doing there? And please, please don’t say you love him/her….this sure as hell ain’t love.

It doesn't always have to be fixed

Talking to some friends the other day we all remarked that we have noticed of late, and with increasing frustration, that people appear to have an overwhelming desire to “fix” whatever might be bothering one.

What do I mean by this: Have you had a conversation wherein you begin to express your concerns/thoughts about the weather, state of the nation, the youth of today, abysmal customer service, road rage, global warming and so on, only to be interrupted with “Well, what you should do is……” and the person to whom you are talking to proceeds to tell you what you should do/should have done, what to think, what to read, that it also happens in other countries, that everyone is like that etc etc. And as much as you try interjecting or even to get to the end of your story, it has been blown out of the water before you had even warmed up. The other person flashes a self satisfied smile and feels amazingly chuffed with themselves for “fixing it”.

Suggestion: If you are being a “fixer” just watch the face of the person being “fixed” to know exactly how they feel, especially if the person is a child.

Being a good communicator is about being able to really listen, being present, understanding (yes, understanding) what is being said and then knowing how to respond. Conversation is about allowing ideas/thoughts to be processed, allowing a person or child to actually finish processing and verbalising their thoughts and ideas and then, dare I say it, contributing to those thoughts and ideas and being part of growing this into a memorable conversation.

A person who tells you something might just want to share an experience, that is all; and more importantly, might just want to be listened to.

Thoughtful Quotes

"When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with." -Anais Nin, writer (1903-1977)

“Let the world feel the weight of you, and let them deal with it.” John Eldredge's Wild at heart

"We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war." - Henry David Thoreau's Walden

The Sweet Smell of Rotting Garbage

This morning I woke to the sweet smell of rotting garbage wafting into my bedroom. It hasn’t quite turned yet to an awful klunk but if the municipal strike goes on for another day, there will be an overpowering haze of fly infested decay on my pavement.

So with this in mind I brightened up considerably when I saw a link on Gretchen Ruben’s Happiness blog to a site called 1000 Awesome Things (http://1000awesomethings.com/) and a link to this little Utube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_HkH8huuzA .

The video was put together by a youngish student and it is charming. It is a tribute to his girlfriend. He covers things like the smell of rain, absolute perfect silence, bakery smells, high fives with babies and so on. And he says this about his girlfriend that made me pause the video and write it down:

“I know there are specific major things I want in a girlfriend. I have my perfect girl figured out in my head. But Abigail has all these other qualities I never even knew I wanted.” (my italics and underlining)

Why did this hit me right between the eyes? I was reminded of a conversation I had the other day about a young man and his rather strained and not so happy relationship with his girlfriend. As I just love matchmaking I suggested we introduce him to Girl X and was told that she would not be his “type”.

His type indeed…. What the heck do we know …..Hmmm “all the other qualities he doesn’t even know he wants”….

Needless to say, often our preconceived ideas about relationships, our own and others, romantic or otherwise, can cripple what may turn out to be something wonderful.

Just do it right

I spent the Easter weekend with a whole bunch of people in a very beautiful bushveld setting about an hour north of Hartbeespoort. A few of us were in the kitchen, I was unpacking groceries and as I finished the first bag I flattened it out, rolled it up and whipped it into a nifty little slip knot – just like I always do at home. Keeps them neat and they take up less space then just being scrunched up.

I quickly moved onto the next full bag when I heard a voice saying “do it properly” which I took no notice of and carried on unpacking the bag. Only to hear again “do it properly”. I looked around to check out who was not doing something properly only to find that I was one of 2 people in the kitchen. The other person, a youngish person who seemed to have taken on the role of supervisor, looked me in the eye and said again “do it properly” and pulled my plastic bag apart (the slip knot works really well).

Me: Huh..

Her: That’s not the way you do it…

Me: Huh…what???

Her: You don’t fold plastic bags like that..

Me: Huh….. Oh…. Well that’s how I do it…

Her: That’s wrong..

Me: Huh… what????? (she was checking me out as if I was very IQ challenged at this stage)

Her: Do it properly..

Me: Well how the hell do you do it “properly”, I didn’t know there was a course called Folding Plastic Bags 101..(Me: very restrained language and sarcastic)

She refolded the plastic bag into a little samoosa shaped goodie which I must confess was pretty cool. I asked her to show me, again, how to do it…which she did. And then she said “now do it right” with about a ton of steel in her voice.

I had a couple of choices at that stage: I could have had a hissy fit and thrown the little samoosa goodie in the rubbish bin, pulled it apart and folded it my way, told her to get a life (probably the best option), meekly folded all the plastic bags into little samooses….or told her to do it herself….. Choices, choices, choices.

Instead I opted for a little life lesson and a little lecture (Silly me - I never learn). I told her that there are very few things in life that are so black and white…sure, 2 + 2 will always equal 4 and some people might argue that one….but I didn’t actually see that the way I folded the bag was wrong or not proper. I said it was just a different way of doing it so therefore whilst her way of doing this task was pretty sharp it was neither the proper way nor the right way – it was just another way of doing it. She stomped out of the kitchen and as I had to spend the rest of the weekend there, I bit my tongue and decided to forget about it…..

But: I brought this incident away with me and it has really been nagging at me. Isn’t this inflexible black/white attitude the cause of so many arguments and unhappiness? The “my way is the only way” doesn’t take into account any of the shades of gray in between: good/bad, hot/cold, pretty/ugly, rich/poor and all the other combos you can think of. I am sure you’ve hear things like “you’re either with me or against me”, “you’re on board or not”, “it’s a simple yes or no….”, “either you can or cant..” and so on – there is no room here for a “yes, but….”. This type of conversation/confrontation can leave you reeling and simmering with frustration and resentment.

I recently read something about the art of good communication. Communication is not just about talking: It is about compromise and constructive negotiation.