A couple of months ago I received a phone call from a nice sounding lady who introduced herself nicely to me. I thought she might be selling something but instead she asked me if I knew Mike Smith. I said I wasn’t sure and suggested she give me a bit more info as I knew quite a few. (Don’t you also know someone called Mike Smith?)
She asked me if I was from Zimbabwe, rattled off my funny nickname and told me where I lived…and then horrors of horrors told me that as I was having an affair with her husband – yes, Mike Smith – and, lucky me, I could keep him. Speechless I was, boy was I speechless. She was clearly very distressed so I set about convincing her that I wasn’t having an affair with her husband…and she kept quizzing me and it appeared that this person knew a hell of a lot about me!
Anyway, to cut a very long story short it turned out that I did know her husband; but I also worked out that the last time I saw him was probably when I was about 18. But here’s the thing: It also turned out that he had lunch with my brother before Christmas and naturally in the catch up (my brother hadn’t seen him for donkeys years either) he asked after me and my brother gave him some info – really basic stuff – which looks quite incriminating when told to a wife along with the confession that I was the love of his life and that we were having an affair!
So I did the only thing I could. I told her that this was all very creepy, that it was quite obvious that her husband had some serious problems and suggested she quickly take him to the nearest shrink. And that perhaps she should also get some counselling. I thought that was that and we said our goodbyes…very amicably by the way.
But that was not that and I received a couple more phone calls and then nothing until the other day. She, the wife, asked me if I knew someone called Sandra (I have a cousin called Sandra but was not going down that route again!) and it now turns out that her husband finds that Sandra is the love of his life and he is going to join her in Portugal….hmm. So I asked if he had seen the shrink, had counselling or, my first choice, if she had chucked him out the house yet. She answered no to all the above and proceeded to tell me that he has a drinking problem, treats her like a dog (always has I think), hasn’t worked for many years and she supports him, flattened the savings account for an expensive overseas trip for himself over Christmas and the cherry on the top is that he has bashed her a number of times, so much so that she had to get medical treatment.
So I did the only thing I could. I said “and you are still with this creep because..” . She said…wait for it….. “I love him….”
So I did the only thing I could. I said “and which part of him do you love: let me repeat what you have just told me: he treats you like a dog, he abuses alcohol, he beats you so you have to get medical attention, he doesn’t contribute to your household and in fact has just spent all your hard earned savings, he lies (ie. the affair with me and Sandra), he deceives and you say that his family also treat you badly…. This isn’t rocket science babe.”
Now this is the funny thing about Happiness folks: Happiness doesn’t land in your lap. You don’t win happiness. You have to actually work at happiness. You actually have to, at some point, make the right choices. You have to, at some time, face the fact that some things just don’t get better. You have to decide what your position is and what you want your position to be. The health of our relationships contributes the most points to how happy we are – like 99% of the points. If you buy a lovely new sofa you feel nice and happy for how long? Not that long I think… “Stuff” doesn’t make you happy…But…the people we live with day in and day out, the people we work with day in and day out, contribute hugely to how we feel.
So, with tears in my little eyes I have to ask: “If someone treats you like a dog, does not respect you, abuses you physically and/or mentally, undermines your well being and self worth, causes you untold grief and pain, what on earth are you still doing there? And please, please don’t say you love him/her….this sure as hell ain’t love.
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