Just do it right

I spent the Easter weekend with a whole bunch of people in a very beautiful bushveld setting about an hour north of Hartbeespoort. A few of us were in the kitchen, I was unpacking groceries and as I finished the first bag I flattened it out, rolled it up and whipped it into a nifty little slip knot – just like I always do at home. Keeps them neat and they take up less space then just being scrunched up.

I quickly moved onto the next full bag when I heard a voice saying “do it properly” which I took no notice of and carried on unpacking the bag. Only to hear again “do it properly”. I looked around to check out who was not doing something properly only to find that I was one of 2 people in the kitchen. The other person, a youngish person who seemed to have taken on the role of supervisor, looked me in the eye and said again “do it properly” and pulled my plastic bag apart (the slip knot works really well).

Me: Huh..

Her: That’s not the way you do it…

Me: Huh…what???

Her: You don’t fold plastic bags like that..

Me: Huh….. Oh…. Well that’s how I do it…

Her: That’s wrong..

Me: Huh… what????? (she was checking me out as if I was very IQ challenged at this stage)

Her: Do it properly..

Me: Well how the hell do you do it “properly”, I didn’t know there was a course called Folding Plastic Bags 101..(Me: very restrained language and sarcastic)

She refolded the plastic bag into a little samoosa shaped goodie which I must confess was pretty cool. I asked her to show me, again, how to do it…which she did. And then she said “now do it right” with about a ton of steel in her voice.

I had a couple of choices at that stage: I could have had a hissy fit and thrown the little samoosa goodie in the rubbish bin, pulled it apart and folded it my way, told her to get a life (probably the best option), meekly folded all the plastic bags into little samooses….or told her to do it herself….. Choices, choices, choices.

Instead I opted for a little life lesson and a little lecture (Silly me - I never learn). I told her that there are very few things in life that are so black and white…sure, 2 + 2 will always equal 4 and some people might argue that one….but I didn’t actually see that the way I folded the bag was wrong or not proper. I said it was just a different way of doing it so therefore whilst her way of doing this task was pretty sharp it was neither the proper way nor the right way – it was just another way of doing it. She stomped out of the kitchen and as I had to spend the rest of the weekend there, I bit my tongue and decided to forget about it…..

But: I brought this incident away with me and it has really been nagging at me. Isn’t this inflexible black/white attitude the cause of so many arguments and unhappiness? The “my way is the only way” doesn’t take into account any of the shades of gray in between: good/bad, hot/cold, pretty/ugly, rich/poor and all the other combos you can think of. I am sure you’ve hear things like “you’re either with me or against me”, “you’re on board or not”, “it’s a simple yes or no….”, “either you can or cant..” and so on – there is no room here for a “yes, but….”. This type of conversation/confrontation can leave you reeling and simmering with frustration and resentment.

I recently read something about the art of good communication. Communication is not just about talking: It is about compromise and constructive negotiation.