Christmas Relationships

From the number of magazine articles and talk shows highlighting all the do’s and don’ts on how to survive the festive season, how to deal with in-laws, kids, animals, aged aunts, et al, I am amazed that people even put themselves through “all this” once a year…..

But it did get me thinking and I have cast my mind back to the annual festivities when I was a child/young person. I have a large extended family and we would go to my Aunt Dorry’s farm that was situated almost half between Kwe Kwe and Gweru in Zimbabwe. Because it was about a 4 hour drive from Harare and about the same from Bulawayo, we used to set off days in advance of Christmas day and only leave days after…it was after all, a long way to travel. And here’s the thing: We all descended on Amatava and out amazing Aunt Dorry – and I seem to remember there were lots of us - and somehow it all worked. Dormitories were set up comprising mattresses, stretchers and anything else one could sleep on, little kids topped and toed and the best thing was you got to sleep near your favourite person. 3 meals a day were miraculously produced, there were drinks on the lawn before lunch and evenings spent (for me) listening to the family stories, playing carpet bowls and watching the adults. There was always a lot of kissing and hugging and patting on the back……and there was a lot of laughter and silly tricks. And there were a few arguments, fights call them what you will….usually about a difference of opinion over politics or religion or whatever and then a big kissing and hugging and making up again – either before bed or first thing the next morning. My mother always said (of this, my father’s family that I am talking about) she found it amazing how the next day, if there had been a disagreement, it was like nothing at all had happened.

I am not sure how rose tinted my specs are/were but I cant recall people not speaking to each, family feuds or long term grudges being played out. I also remember that us kids were all treated the same way…we never felt that one was ‘the favourite” or getting more pressies or loves. We, or at least I, always felt quite special.

So what have I taken away with me, what do I remember about how the family (and others) all came together and had a great deal of fun…and let me tell that this was the place everyone wanted to be at Christmas time….. even the various ex-spouses and their new families.

I guess some of the lessons learnt (and only understood as an older adult) are:

You don’t always have to win the argument/discussion/fight or have the last word.

It’s a time for telling stories about your successes, failures and anything else that might have happened during the year….so let whoever is telling ramble on and enjoy.

And last but not least…. I like these 2 little stories and I remind myself of them (frequently!):

The first is the good old biblical one of “do unto others….” Which is very powerful and self explanatory.

And the second is about the 2 Buddhist monks walking down the road….one young and handsome and one old and bitter. They get to a river which has burst its banks and there is a beautiful young woman trying to get across. The young monk picks her up and carries her to the other side. The old monk crosses as well and the 2 monks carry on their journey. Eventually the old monk berates the young one, asking him how he could have carried the young woman across; he should not have touched her etc etc. The young monk looks at him and says “Hey Dude, I left her on the bank of the river but you are still carrying her…” Cool lesson don’t you think?

I am now going to steal and share my friend Hazel’s Christmas message which I think says it a lot better than I can:

I hope that your Christmas will be filled with an abundance of love, sharing and giving. As Christmas is also the link between old years and a new one about to dawn, my wish for you is that you are able to look back in happiness and forward in hope, knowing that there will be many new wonderful and happy times awaiting you in 2011. Thank you Hazel

Life Rules

Way back in June 2009 I wrote about the ROI on Relationships and said something along the lines of:

“If one person in the relationship doesn’t care and believes less in it; the person doesn’t make enough time or gives enough attention or respect then that relationship probably won’t last long….. The strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when both parties invest equally.”

And now I am going to add a bit more to that statement:.....” and that the strongest, most enduring and happiest relationships come about when you have defined how you want to live your life and you mindfully live it.”

I love this quote from Henry David Thoreau's Walden :

“We meet at very short intervals, not having had time to acquire any new value for each other. We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are. We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

This is being mindful…..

To have a mindful relationship you must consciously work at it – all the time. All too often we leap into marriage or other partnerships without having first laid down our life rules. The rules and values on how we want to live our lives in a meaningful way. Like Thoreau says: “We have had to agree on a certain set of rules, called etiquette and politeness, to make this frequent meeting tolerable and that we need not come to open war.”

So what are some of these rules? They could look something like this:

I will create an environment that is loving and kind and polite

I will create an environment that is creative and constructive

I will create an environment that encourages growth and learning

I will create an environment that makes people feel special

I will create an environment where the opinions of others are respected and listened to.

And so on… and if this looks like a list of warm and fuzzies just think what your relationships are like if you don’t have these things in place.

To finish off, this is a quote from business guru Tom Peters:

"It's always 'the people.'" It may be glib, but in this instance I don't care. Network, keep your promises, and behave decently. You are as good as your relationships. Period. Short term. Long term. Good times. Tough times. This is the time (though all times are, in fact, the time) to "over" invest in relationship building and maintenance."

How we see others

My daughter Lisa is in Abu Dhabi at the moment - they start a 6 day adventure race tomorrow morning (go to www.ar.co.za for race info and links to the tracking site).

Lisa is a prolific writer; where she gets the time from to do many pre-race, during race and post race reports is a bit of a mystery. But report she does and her posting today is quite funny and I wanted to share this with you.

She has posted quite a few photos of herself, with her team and other people. I know that I always have this idea in my mind that Lisa is a really big and strong (and fearless) girl. But when I see her in photos, she is usually amongst the smallest of the girls and much, much smaller than the boys....she is really quite tiny.................hmmm funny isn't it?

Practical approach to new challenges:

The race starts tomorrow; this is the fast and furious warm up leg, with a shortish paddle in funny looking inflatable canoes; then a fast run and another paddle to wherever. Lisa says that paddling the canoes will be a bit like paddling a jumping castle....

And her strategy for this leg of the race: "to just go like hell". Sometimes this is the very best thing to do.....

Relationships 101

When I announced that I would be writing about “relationships” in December I had a couple of emails saying things like whoopee and wow; and one email from a good friend which said: “what the heck do you know about relationships, you aren’t even married”.

Well, firstly: there are lots of different types of relationships out there other than a married relationship. But I guess in a way, he has a point. Marriage is one of the most important, life time commitments/relationships you will ever have – and this relationship has an enormous effect on your happiness. I was married once – a long time ago - for a very short time; and I often make a little joke that goes along the lines of having had an unsuccessful marriage but that I have had a very successful divorce.

Secondly: was I miffed about my friends comment? Not really. Having been successfully single for about 96% of my life, I am used to comments like this. We (the human race), like it or not, like people to be married or at least in a long term relationship – it fits the norm. At least now in my near dotage, I don’t have to put up with people asking me why I’m not married…does the human race actually know what a grim question this is? Do they actually except you to “fess up” to some major personality defect, sexual aberration or other deviant behaviour? Just joking….but what the heck are you supposed to answer when someone asks you this? (Note to everyone: I see youngsters cringe and die a thousand deaths when adults ask them why they haven’t got a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?....don’t do this, please)

But just to clear the air and speculation, I will share this with you: I have viewed another marriage with a very cautious eye. The few offers I have had over the years have either not been at the right time in my life (ie. I was so broke I would end up at month end with R2.37, I was struggling to build a career, get some sort of life and stability etc etc), or, he was not the right long term marriage partner – which one really only finds out about after the flush of new love fades a bit and these had me very quickly bolting for the hills…never to be seen again for dust. Seriously though – I have had strong reasons for not taking the plunge; primarily that I didn’t just want someone just to pick up the bills and even more importantly, I had a child. If the potential marriage partner wasn’t going to treat her as the special person she is, then I wasn’t going there. I needed someone like my brother who has been a fab step father to his kids – I needed someone to love me and my child and be very happy with the entire package (including the pet).

My brother had to contend with a particularly grim step mother who fortunately didn’t last too long and I had to put up with a really awful nasty, viscous step father (actually my mother’s long term partner of about 45 years or so). He died a little while ago and when I phoned my aunt and uncle to pass on the news, the first thing my aunt said was “well, thank goodness for that..” I guess that says it all. His funeral service was on my birthday and we all joked that he had done it on purpose….he really was a miserable sod. So, I have always felt that I needed to be extra careful about inflicting a step father on my daughter….even in her adulthood. And should I get over this little personality quirk? Sure I should…there are heaps and heaps of perfectly lovely, kind people (men) out there and I am blessed that I have met lots and lots and lots of them – I just haven’t wanted to marry any of them *grin*.

So whilst I may not have been married for long, I think / know I can talk about relationships….any kind, any type, any place and any time. Relationships are the things that make our world go round; they make us happier that we could ever have imagined and they also make us the saddest.

Love and happiness to you all

What are you doing now?

With the 1st of January just around the corner I thought I would copy Lisa's blog here because it has made me think - and think about those resolutions (yes, I do make them). Sometimes just the smallest changes, or even just doing new things makes a huge difference .... read this and let me know how you feel!

FROM: LISA'S BLOG http://adventurelisa.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-are-you-doing-now.html 19 November 2010

What are you doing now?

Last night I was watching a YouTube clip with a friend about a guy who suffered major injury and then decided to undertake a physical challenge for a cause. He could barely walk and he completed the distance in a time exponentially greater than you or I would do it in.

While I think it is great that he has these goals and he's on a mission, I'm not completely moved. There are many other examples just like this one.

Why? Well, the questions I asked my friend was, "Why does it take tragedy or a near-death experience for people to live?" and "What did he do before the accident?".

About a year ago at my local blood donor clinic the sister told me that 89% of regular blood donors only start donating after they have received blood (operation, accident, illness). I don't see much difference between this and people waking up (figuratively) after a car accident and deciding to run a marathon, when they would have impatiently waited for a parking space closest to the mall entrance pre-accident.

Friends, wake up now. Don't wait for some life-changing incident to remind you how precious it is to be here and now. Love with abandon, strive to have job you enjoy, live where you're happiest (and with whom you're happiest), participate in any event or activity that catches your fancy and stop saving those words for another day.

Some, like the injured guy in the clip, get a second chance to do what they should have done during their 'first life'. Others don't.

Back on Line

Yikes…I got such a fright when the orange light came on my modem when I switched it on just now.….nearly fell off my seat. I have been without an internet connection and home phone for nearly 4 weeks now…….my phone is also working but it seems that I have someone else’s number and I keep getting calls for someone else…despite telling the people that there is a crossed line and we haven’t been connected up properly, they keep trying and trying and trying…

But first things first…this just a quick blog to say hello…..and I will be back to blogging very soon; well, assuming the phone lines hold up (they were stolen by the way).

And a bit of sad new….do you remember the beaded sheep I wrote about. Well, they have been stolen as well.

Gaiters: yes them again. I have been sewing gaiters like crazy – this time they are desert gaiters especially for the long race in Abu Dhabi that Lisa is off to early next month. There will be 3 teams from South Africa (they all have my gaiters) and a team from the UK will also be wearing them. I will be watching Lisa and her team via Google Earth and the satellite tracking goodies they carry with them. It is quite exciting.

Bassline is throbbing at the moment……so much going on including a whopping great Rasta/Ragga festival tomorrow night and 2 overseas bands – one on Friday and one on Sunday (Feeder for those who are interested). It is such fun… and a really special event is Tu Nokwe’s show on the 10^th Dec.

I decided as well, that my happiness blog theme for December will be on relationships…. Hope you enjoy them.

Love and Happiness

Liz

OCTOBER SNIPPETS

The Beaded Sheep:

Every morning I drive past a small coffee shop on my way to work in Newtown – it is just round the corner from Bassline. Right in front of the shop is a large tree and they have some tables and chairs out on the pavement under this tree. They also have 3 life-sized beaded wire sheep; and every morning someone in the coffee shop arranges the sheep in different poses…one can be standing on a table, one with its front legs on the tree trunk (looks like it wants to climb the tree). One day, one was lying on its side with the other 2 looking on with great concern….. it is very funny and something to look forward to.

Good Books:

The first one I can recommend – in fact I encourage you to read it, is called Why Africa is Poor by Greg Mills. He writes really well and puts his point across succinctly and follows it up with data and graphs. There are parts in the book where I felt I should just go outside and slit my throat; but it is a thought provoking book. Greg draws comparisons with Asian, Central American and South American countries and African countries, all of which have been colonised and most of which have had devastating wars. And he comes to interesting conclusions about the countries that have successfully transitioned from colonial and military oppression. In one chapter he talks about the cost of doing business in Africa and uses Durban port as an example: In Singapore it takes 8 minutes to clear a container through customs: in SA it takes 32 days (BTW, we are the best on the continent). One thing this book doesn’t do is just lay all the problems down on paper – he spends quite a bit of time talking about solutions.

The second one is by Lionel Shriver, called So Much for That. (She also wrote We Need to Talk About Kevin). She is a stunning writer and her stories are gripping. She is dark and her characters are very real…you know these people! She is brave and says the stuff that many writers don’t dare….she take our clichés and trashes them.

TED Talks:

TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. I listen to and watch TED Talks on www.ted.com, usually late on a Sunday night; then kick myself when I stagger into bed in the early hours of the morning. It’s a bit addictive – heaps of categories and heaps of speakers including some very funny comedy slots….I love it! So when Lisa told me TED Talks was coming to Johannesburg I got really excited and rushed to get my ticket from their website. And then found out that you have to apply to be an “audience”….I was a bit thrown but completed the application process which also calls for references…..you have to describe yourself in less the 100 words and answer some other questions, also less than 100 words; your answers are then sent to your referees and they verify it….*grin* No room for exaggeration here! So, thank you to my referees – I have been approved and will be attending TED next Sunday – it is a marathon day from 9.30 to 18.30….I will be all TED Talked out! Go to http://www.tedxjohannesburg.co.za/ to check it out.

What's in a name:

Thank you for all the feedback about the name - I had some very good laughs......